So you are... writing again
This is not the kind of writing I used to do years ago, it´s a mere list of facts I upload in here, without the slightest clue of what´s the aim of doing this, but I guess it´s still different to doing nothing.
Fact: I tried to kill myself last year. I guess at that time I thought that putting up with 15 years of shit without some kind of treatment really wore me out and I just got tired. I wanted to take one fucking sellfish decision (and also I still believe I deserve it, like, I´ve got the right to do so) and I took a bunch of pills (honestly, I still can´t remember what they were, lots of memories from that night do not make sense) and I mixed them with booze and went to sleep hoping not to wake up the next morning (I remember leaving a note to a friend of mine just saying it wasn´t her fault, I didn´t want her to feel guilty). How did that turn out? I woke up 6hs later (yeah, only 6, JA).
Finally, here we are, writing about it after 16 months.
Thought: I´m not completely sure about leaving the country and still, I feel like I can´t stay. The detachment from all my things and friends (argentinian ones, I do have friends in Spain who are like my family) makes me think twice about leaving. Then I realize what kind of country/society I´m currently living in and it´s kind of pretty awful (in so many fucking ways I won´t take the time to make a list). My question is, what if I´m not happy living there? What will I do? Is it like "justified" If after trying that (let´s pretend it doesn´t work) I finally top myself up?
Now that I come to think about it, justified? Why does it need to be?
Fact: There are times in which you get too involved (emotionally) with what happens to people around you and it sucks! Of course I try to help but still, it´s like, you keep thinking about it for a long time and you get lost in a chain of thoughts that lead nowhere but to a downward spiral. There is no use writing about this because I will still help them so I guess that won´t change much.
Fact: I find it hard to ask for help. It doesn´t matter what the situation is, I don´t like depending on others to do anything. It feels awkward and it implies the need to trust on another person and that ain´t easy. Actually, it´s one of the things I find the hardest to do.
Instead of accept the fact that I need help, I think of how to improve myself so I´ll be more independent and I won´t need it/them. As you can see, it has worked well
Fact: I find it easier to talk to people who I don´t know. There is no relationship, no love, no worries, no nothing. Why is it they all care so much? Yeah yeah, I know, I matter to them, but still, I can´t accept the thought that we are unable to live without someone else, wihtout that special person. I think we will all lose someone who we care about a lot and still, is there any other choice but to move on?
I guess writing this is as close as I´ve got to dealing with all these issues. I hope it works as some sort of example of what NOT to do, so I will prevent other people from going through the same shit I´ve been through (going through?)
Last thought: I´m not planning to kill myself so don´t panic, but still, if someday, I dunno, many years from now, I actually do it. Just keep in mind I´ll have found some measure of peace.
